The Dead Defense Sketch As Mangled By Me

I came across this original post by me on another blog going back some time ago.
I feel it deserves an airing since the mccanns have gone rather quiet over the festive period, which given their avarice is entirely unexpected.

Therefore in the spirit of the New Year i present to you, the Dead Defense Sketch courtesy of Monty Python and as mangled by me.

Dead Defense Sketch Mangled by Hobnob

( with thanks to Monty Python)

 The cast: The Defendants kate and gerry mccann Their Spin Doctor clarence mitchell
 -----------------------------------
The sketch: clarence enters the mccanns book signing.

clarence: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (the mccanns do not respond.)

clarence: 'Ello, Mister?

kate: What do you mean "mister"?

clarence: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

gerry: We're launchin' a book piss off.

clarence: Never mind that, my lass. I wish to complain about this defense what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

kate: Oh yes, the, uh, the Abductor Defense...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

clarence: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lass. it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

gerry: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

clarence: Look, matey, I know a dead defense when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

gerry: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable defense, the Abductor did it, isn't it, aye? Beautiful excuse!

clarence: The Abductor don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

kate: No no no no, no, no! It's resting!

clarence: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the abductor defense) 'Ello, Abductor! I've got a lovely fresh victim for you if you show up...

(gerry hits the desk)

kate: There, it moved!

clarence: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the desk!

gerry: I never!!

clarence: Yes, you did!

gerry: I never, never did anything...

clarence: (yelling and hitting the abductor defense repeatedly) 'ELLO ABDUCTOR!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes abductor defense out of its box and thumps its cover on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

clarence: Now that's what I call a dead abductor defense.

gerry: No, no.....No,It's stunned!

clarence: STUNNED?!?

kate: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! abductor defenses stun easily, major.

clarence: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That abductor defense is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged interview.

kate: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the tapas.

clarence: PININ' for the TAPAS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

gerry: The Abductor Defense prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable defense, isn't it, squire? Lovely public persuader!

clarence: Look, I took the liberty of examining that defense when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its shelf in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)

gerry: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that defense down, it would have nuzzled up to those shutters, bent 'em apart without leaving any evidence, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

kate: No no! It's pining!

clarence:It's not pinin' It's passed on! This abductor defense is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the shelf it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the tapas! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-ABDUCTOR DEFENSE!! (pause)

kate: Well, I'd better replace it, then.(she takes a quick peek inside her new book) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the index, and uh, we're right out of the Abductor did it defense.

clarence: I see. I see, I get the picture.

gerry: I got a childless mom. (pause)

clarence: Pray, will there be sightings?

gerry: N-n-n-not really.

clarence: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

kate: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at gerry's crotch)

clarence: Well? (pause)

gerry: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

clarence: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure