Sunday, December 22, 2013

The mccanns' Annual Christmas Message, Wherefore Art Thou?

 Once again another year has passed and we await expectantly the mccann's annual Christmas message to the world.

Yet, we have heard nothing, not a whisper, not even the slow quiet hiss of a leak from a family friend or trusted supporter.
The shop is still shuttered up on their page, awaiting forlornly something that was promised to be delivered  within hours and still hasn't arrived.
The donation button which had been reinforced specially to handle the torrent of donations they plead for every year, telling us how low the fund is and how they can only search for another couple of months, despite the fact they never searched in the first place and, apparently neither did their private investigators.
Claims that no one was searching for Maddie bit the dust when both Scotland yard and the PJ started or  reopened the investigation thus negating their cry for donations to fund the non existent search.
We haven't even heard of donations for gifts for Maddie , which should she not be found alive be handed on to some nice charity preferably one created by themselves.

Are their supporters still donating money? If so how and more to the point , why? especially after the car crash that was their appearance on Crime Watch.

Are their supporters instead donating gifts to a long dead child?
Are they age appropriate as in Maddie would be 10 or are they still sending toys suitable for a 3yr old?

Will the tags on the prezzies say lots of love the fund/a well wisher/ a supporter etc?

What about all the prezzies that were sent to Maddie over the years?
Are they all still stored somewhere safe and wrapped or, as is more likely, stuffed under the tree for the twins with the original tags removed as applicable after all with all their legal costs the fund must have taken a huge hit, assuming of course it hasn't been frozen.

Since they are living on one salary and they have become accustomed to the life of Riley on two incomes, gerry and the fund will we now see appeals for presents for the twins as mom and pop are piss poor after buying a couple of bottles of good quality NZ opposed to their good quality wristbands?

Will we hear about them leaving their turkey home alone, apart from the twins who were left behind the Christmas tree., only to have their turkey whoosh gobble ( hens cluck turkeys gobble) by an abductor who got into their unlocked (no change there then) house raced to the oven and snatched the gently roasting bird without alerting the twins who were on guard duty, whilst they were out quaffing mulled wine with their friends in the pub only 2 streets away, well within range of hearing the twins shaking their prezzies.

Can we then expect an appeal for the return of the turkey as their stomachs are grieving their loss and them having to make do with a pile of spam kate found in the back of the PC email box marked begging letters (to send)

On boxing day will we see them speaking from a bit of wrapping paper saying they have been advised they were well within the realms of responsible cheffing and many of us have done the same thing.

Will there be descriptions of the turkey abductor, a large jolly man wearing a distinctive red suit and match hat with white trim, a large belt with a distinctive gold belt and black boots. he is expected to be local to the area as he knew the layout of the house and went straight to the oven, smashing his way in and grabbing the innocent bird from it's tray.
He was accompanied by his pets as experts found traces of hoof prints on the roof, some carrots and other veg and a pile of brown something which one of the coppers stood in. there was evidence of drag marks on the roof which could indicate a struggle from the turkey or perhaps , as is more likely his escape vehicle.

The local police have said there is absolutely no evidence of any break in although they did find traces of turkey fat near the chimney, in a wardrobe and on a pair of black and white checked women's trousers.

Sniffer dogs were brought in and initially they alerted to the oven and then led their handlers on a merry chase through the house to a wardrobe in the parents room, the bathroom, and a laundry basket

The mccanns meanwhile have sought out the most expensive lawyers the fund could find and also contacted various animal welfare charities to support their claim they were being responsible turkey roasters.

Timelines were found to have been written on the inside cover of the new Beano annual which had been unwrapped for the occasion, with checks being made every 30 Min's to check it was basting nicely and hadn't woken up for a glass of sherry or a mince pie.
A total stranger was reported to have peered into the kitchen but hadn't noticed if the turkey was there or not due to the fridge obscuring his view.

Jane tanner reported she had seen a man scurrying across the top of the street carrying a large bulging sack, she didn't see his face but did recall his clothing, she saw he was dressed inappropriately for the night as it was very mild and he looked to be dressed for the arctic, he was wearing a heavy red suit a big hat and black boots.
Gerry who claimed he had just checked on the turkey was talking to a neighbor, she had to walk round them as they took up the whole sidewalk, neither gerry or the neighbor saw her as she walked round them or the man carrying a sack.

Due to lots of use by various family members all of whom had access to and had taken out and brought in the wheelie bin it wasn't fully examined for 25 days.
A turkey cadaver dog and turkey juice dog were brought in and both alerted to the wheelie bin ,and ,when tests were done there were traces of turkey juices at the bottom and along the lid.
When asked why the dogs had alerted to the wheelie bin, kate said no comment and gerry said ask the dogs before going on to explain how unreliable such dogs were citing a case where a husband had allegedly had a turkey 30 years previously and said turkey had not been seen since.
This backfired on gerry when it was pointed out the husband had finally admitted the dogs had been right all along when they had alerted to the oven, a roasting tin, several plates and the trashcan and that he had roasted and then disposed of the bird.

The mccanns have issued a last photo of the bird as it lay trussed and wearing an adorable bacon outfit bought from the local butcher.

A fund has been started to find the turkey and bring it home, those who wish to donate money can do so at any bank or via payupppalorelse, checks can be made out to cash and money in envelopes can be sent to kate and gerry rothley towers and it will get there.
If donating a turkey please make sure it is organic free range Norfolk bronze and 15lbs or larger fresh is preferred but frozen will be acceptable and in this case anyone wanting to donate a large walk in freezer warehouse size would be welcomed.

In the event of their turkey being found all donations will be given to turkey charities including the turkey charity they have just created by chance.

Please do not harm it, please do not scare it, leave it, take it to a safe place such as a 5* restaurant or hotel or any catering organisation.

It can be easily recognised by it's parsons nose.

Merry Christmas from kate gerry the turkey oh and the twins and forgetting, i mean not forgetting Margaret i mean Madeleine.


  1. The was a brilliant read.

    I couldn't help but see KMs face when i read.

    "Please do not harm it, please do not scare it, leave it, take it to a safe place such as a 5* restaurant or hotel or any catering organisation."

  2. Jingle "bells"rang when Scroogenobs left SA an I thought your wise words would never again be read by myself.Xmas greetings to you,Johnypast...and all others from the UK.

    1. Xmas greetings to you anon, and a happy new year.


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